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Taking ten minutes to myself... that’s it! I’m sitting and breathing and you fuckers can’t make do anything... ten minutes... I wanted to do a rant but I’m too fucking tired... no one around here gives a fuck anyway... I’m doing the single parent thing tonight and I get that he has work to catch up on from spending the day with me yesterday... you know what? Fuck this... my time is up anyway... dinner needs to be finished and laundry dealt with... whatever
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Jul. 9th, 2019 12:05 pmThat horrible helpless feeling when someone you care for deeply is hurting and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it... You’re too far away to hold them, to kiss away their anxieties... Saying that I care and that I’m here just sounds hollow to me.
But I mean every sappy word that I’ve said! I WILL be here for you. I DO love you and this distance is just one more thing to make me appreciate any interactions we have even more. This is just a stupid rambling post but it needed to be done! And if anyone doesn’t care for it, you can kiss my ass 💋
But I mean every sappy word that I’ve said! I WILL be here for you. I DO love you and this distance is just one more thing to make me appreciate any interactions we have even more. This is just a stupid rambling post but it needed to be done! And if anyone doesn’t care for it, you can kiss my ass 💋
Where My Demons Hide
Jul. 9th, 2019 09:12 amFeeling a little confused/afraid/STUPID this morning... It’s after 9am and I’m still lying in bed, wondering if something is wrong, if I said something or did something... if you’re having second thoughts... Then my rational side is telling me to quit being a fucking idiot! People’s lives do not revolve around me and I need to stop acting like an attention starved child!
So yeah... this is my morning... Cheers
So yeah... this is my morning... Cheers
I Cried Tears You’ll Never See
Jun. 27th, 2019 07:45 amDay from hell already and it’s not even 8am... I wanted to run to discord and pour my heart out but, to be honest, my problems are shit compared to anything else... I just come off sounding whiny to myself! Even writing it here feels like BULLSHIT to me, but I’m supposed to be letting stuff out not pushing it down to rot.
So here’s my ounce of drivel: Ran late for work so I’m already keyed up about that, I get a call saying to get my ass in quick because I’m doing ER duty for one of my folks... Normally I wouldn’t care about that but this is the last place I saw my brother “alive”..... I’m currently sitting here making small talk with the doctors and my individual while inside I’m screaming and sobbing. It’s been a couple years, I’m fine SERIOUSLY! But being here is ripping my fucking heart out...
But no worries, my smile is screwed on tight and all will be well (?)
So here’s my ounce of drivel: Ran late for work so I’m already keyed up about that, I get a call saying to get my ass in quick because I’m doing ER duty for one of my folks... Normally I wouldn’t care about that but this is the last place I saw my brother “alive”..... I’m currently sitting here making small talk with the doctors and my individual while inside I’m screaming and sobbing. It’s been a couple years, I’m fine SERIOUSLY! But being here is ripping my fucking heart out...
But no worries, my smile is screwed on tight and all will be well (?)
Started this morning hopeful... It’s the Solstice, the beginning of summer! And here I am... finding out I will be working my second double shift in a row. Not really a big deal, I brought my laptop and my worksite is super easy. The most shit part of this day was receiving a text from my 12 year old daughter. Apparently, she was drawing a sigil in ART CLASS and her narrow minded bitch of a teacher ruined it, saying that it was Satanic and not okay... FUCKING EXCUSE ME???
And then! Ohhh and then... one of her classmates chimes in that all pagans and wiccans should be burned! My daughter and I are Wiccan, she has a boy in her class who’s family is Satanist. I gave her permission to leave class and she went to speak to the Vice Principal. (The principal is absolutely useless) Needless to say, the VP was pissed especially when my daughter said the words religious persecution and litigation!
She was told she could skip the rest of art class in the library and the art teacher and this student were called down to have a little chat... Not sure what was said but I’ll probably be getting an email or a phone call before the end of the day!
It’s fucking 2019!!! Can we please accept each other for who we are?? If it isn’t hurting anyone WHY do you have to tell people it’s wrong?? I’m so fucking upset and angry...
And then! Ohhh and then... one of her classmates chimes in that all pagans and wiccans should be burned! My daughter and I are Wiccan, she has a boy in her class who’s family is Satanist. I gave her permission to leave class and she went to speak to the Vice Principal. (The principal is absolutely useless) Needless to say, the VP was pissed especially when my daughter said the words religious persecution and litigation!
She was told she could skip the rest of art class in the library and the art teacher and this student were called down to have a little chat... Not sure what was said but I’ll probably be getting an email or a phone call before the end of the day!
It’s fucking 2019!!! Can we please accept each other for who we are?? If it isn’t hurting anyone WHY do you have to tell people it’s wrong?? I’m so fucking upset and angry...
Confession time: I am a pathetic mess... I’ve grown so attached that I spent yesterday pacing like a caged animal, gnawing at the bars of my mind, waiting to hear a single word... Am I crazy?? Am I just an overly needy attention whore? I’m still mystified that I have genuine deep feelings for someone I’ve never even been in the same room with! I feel like I’m losing myself and finding myself all at the same time 🥺
“It’s an ADVENTURE” has been the mantra in my house the past few weeks... I find the fear and exhilaration quite enjoyable and my anticipation grows by the day! I only hope that I prove to be a worthy companion for this sweet soul. Goddess knows he’s been through enough heartache and I know the leaving will kill us both. I just hope that I can leave him with enough good memories to sustain him until we can be together again...
I know November is still a ways off but this is what my mind has latched on to and I honestly couldn’t be happier...
Hoping to regain a little focus and work on my story while the ideas are still there, especially since I failed at finishing yesterday😔
Maybe I’ll be back later... who can say🖤
“It’s an ADVENTURE” has been the mantra in my house the past few weeks... I find the fear and exhilaration quite enjoyable and my anticipation grows by the day! I only hope that I prove to be a worthy companion for this sweet soul. Goddess knows he’s been through enough heartache and I know the leaving will kill us both. I just hope that I can leave him with enough good memories to sustain him until we can be together again...
I know November is still a ways off but this is what my mind has latched on to and I honestly couldn’t be happier...
Hoping to regain a little focus and work on my story while the ideas are still there, especially since I failed at finishing yesterday😔
Maybe I’ll be back later... who can say🖤
So many ideas this morning! Got back from dropping the littles at my mother's to catch the bus and just started typing. Chapter 2 of No More Lonely Nights should be done by this afternoon! *fingers crossed*
Got over my shys and did a video chat with my angel yesterday...(Hi Stuie!) We basically just hung out and chatted for over an hour! I absolutely LOVED it! Now as long as I dont act like a complete fool and freeze up when we are actually together... Just think happy thoughts!
It's gray, windy and calling for storms today. The perfect setup for staying in and writing. Sorry, my love, but this chapter will be a bit light on the porn this time... trying to further the story and all! I promise to make it up later on.
Just a short post... I may be back later??
Got over my shys and did a video chat with my angel yesterday...(Hi Stuie!) We basically just hung out and chatted for over an hour! I absolutely LOVED it! Now as long as I dont act like a complete fool and freeze up when we are actually together... Just think happy thoughts!
It's gray, windy and calling for storms today. The perfect setup for staying in and writing. Sorry, my love, but this chapter will be a bit light on the porn this time... trying to further the story and all! I promise to make it up later on.
Just a short post... I may be back later??
I've been walking on a cloud the past couple of days. Making more time for myself and hoping my creative spark finds its way back home. I think my circle is slowly getting bigger and it feels so good to be accepted by these beautiful souls. Even though we only speak online, these people mean a lot to me. (is that weird??) It makes me wish I had a TARDIS or could learn how to apparate. (yes I'm on of THOSE people, fuck off!)
I finally have a few days to myself! Planning on finishing the second chapter of Stuie's fic and hoping the weather will cooperate so I can work outside and get myself good and grounded. Planning and panicking for my trip to see Stuie. It feels weird writing about him here when I know he reads these.... Hi Stuie! *blows you a kiss* 😘 I'm really nervous/excited about this trip but I know once I'm with him everything will be fine. Our little triangle is deliciously complicated in its simplicity and if you think that is confusing, welcome to the enigma that is me! My husband and (VERY FEW) closest friends are thrilled that I'm making this trip and smashing out of my shell. My girls are jealous as hell and mad that I'm not taking them, but I've promised to bring home goodies for them!
Still not used to putting my thoughts into words here, but I'm trying... maybe I’ll be back later 😉
I finally have a few days to myself! Planning on finishing the second chapter of Stuie's fic and hoping the weather will cooperate so I can work outside and get myself good and grounded. Planning and panicking for my trip to see Stuie. It feels weird writing about him here when I know he reads these.... Hi Stuie! *blows you a kiss* 😘 I'm really nervous/excited about this trip but I know once I'm with him everything will be fine. Our little triangle is deliciously complicated in its simplicity and if you think that is confusing, welcome to the enigma that is me! My husband and (VERY FEW) closest friends are thrilled that I'm making this trip and smashing out of my shell. My girls are jealous as hell and mad that I'm not taking them, but I've promised to bring home goodies for them!
Still not used to putting my thoughts into words here, but I'm trying... maybe I’ll be back later 😉
It’s My Life!
Jun. 7th, 2019 12:45 pmI didn’t post yesterday... sue me! 🤷🏼♀️ Between work and moming, I didn’t get a chance... I barely even talked to Stuie and if you don’t think that makes me feel like shit, you’re a moron! It’s amazing to me how someone I’ve never been in the same room with before has such an impact on me. And I find it a bit humorous that my husband is all for me having a new friend, playmate, whatever we decide to call him... In case you can’t tell, I don’t have a normal relationship but it is loving and supportive and if you don’t care for it, you can fuck off... Seriously!
Waiting patiently for the weekend, so I have a chance to do something creative (possibly??) I really need to get my spark back because the whole not creating thing is really starting to harsh my mellow! Planning on hiding away with my laptop to try and get some more down on chapter 2... Patience Stuie! I’m getting there! 🖤
Keeping this brief since I’m basically supposed to be working!😂Maybe I’ll be back later...
Waiting patiently for the weekend, so I have a chance to do something creative (possibly??) I really need to get my spark back because the whole not creating thing is really starting to harsh my mellow! Planning on hiding away with my laptop to try and get some more down on chapter 2... Patience Stuie! I’m getting there! 🖤
Keeping this brief since I’m basically supposed to be working!😂Maybe I’ll be back later...
It Can’t Rain All The Time, Can It?
Jun. 5th, 2019 08:51 pmI meant to do this earlier today, but I was just bleh all morning. I had pain but didn’t want to take anything. I was hungry but had no desire to eat. I just felt stuck. The gray skies weren’t helping much either. I spent the morning chatting with Stuie, which really was a blessing. He always makes me smile, even when I’m feeling low.
I made fresh coffee, curled up and watched all of Good Omens before having to pick up 7 from school and take her to the dentist. Firstly, I FREAKIN LOVED IT! Secondly, I will now be waiting impatiently for the next season! I always have a soft spot for David Tennant and the whole demon thing was just 🥰🥰.
The trip to the dentist went well. She needed a baby molar pulled as it was giving her problems. The poor thing had nitrous and Novocain and she still screamed like a banshee when they pulled it. I think most of it was from her being tired. There were some tears but she recovered quickly.
Made the mistake of curling up on the bed with her when we got home. I really didn’t want to move and ended up just laying there watching it rain (for 3 freakin hours!) 7 thought I needed a snack and sliced up an orange for me... it really did help! I wasn’t the only one with the rainy day blahs. 9 fell asleep as soon as she got home from school and stayed asleep until supper.
Blasted through cooking and doing dishes, got the kids fed and homework done. 12 helped in the kitchen, putting leftovers away so I could work on folding laundry. Fortunate enough to have Stuie keep me company on and off this evening. It’s always lonely when hubby has to work late and he is just as grateful for Stuie as I am! Thank you again, love! You’re always there for me!
This post is such a ramble and really has no point but at least I did it!
I made fresh coffee, curled up and watched all of Good Omens before having to pick up 7 from school and take her to the dentist. Firstly, I FREAKIN LOVED IT! Secondly, I will now be waiting impatiently for the next season! I always have a soft spot for David Tennant and the whole demon thing was just 🥰🥰.
The trip to the dentist went well. She needed a baby molar pulled as it was giving her problems. The poor thing had nitrous and Novocain and she still screamed like a banshee when they pulled it. I think most of it was from her being tired. There were some tears but she recovered quickly.
Made the mistake of curling up on the bed with her when we got home. I really didn’t want to move and ended up just laying there watching it rain (for 3 freakin hours!) 7 thought I needed a snack and sliced up an orange for me... it really did help! I wasn’t the only one with the rainy day blahs. 9 fell asleep as soon as she got home from school and stayed asleep until supper.
Blasted through cooking and doing dishes, got the kids fed and homework done. 12 helped in the kitchen, putting leftovers away so I could work on folding laundry. Fortunate enough to have Stuie keep me company on and off this evening. It’s always lonely when hubby has to work late and he is just as grateful for Stuie as I am! Thank you again, love! You’re always there for me!
This post is such a ramble and really has no point but at least I did it!
Put On Your War Paint!
Jun. 4th, 2019 10:13 amSecond post... Feeling a combo of mushy, angsty and fucking hostile today??? Welcome to the crazy world of female hormones! Reading about past heartache of my sweet angel has mama in a mind for bloodshed... it may be history but WTF people!!! My hatred for mankind just grows deeper with each passing day.... I’m taking a deep breath, pouring myself a fresh cup of coffee and just focusing on fixing the blehhh that is me right now.
Fixing the faded raspberry that my hair has turned into and working on being the fucking goddess I know I am! Been in a funk way too long and with the sun shining there’s no longer any excuse for it! Just a short “fuck you world” post... You won’t get the best of me! Be back soon 💋
Fixing the faded raspberry that my hair has turned into and working on being the fucking goddess I know I am! Been in a funk way too long and with the sun shining there’s no longer any excuse for it! Just a short “fuck you world” post... You won’t get the best of me! Be back soon 💋
Not sure if I can do this...
Jun. 3rd, 2019 12:18 pmJust so it’s out there, I hate talking about myself. I’ve always felt like a shadow, so actually writing a journal is a scary thing for me. I’ve been told, quite a bit recently, that I need to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone or I’ll always have regrets. So here I am... good or bad, I’m doing this, thanks in large part to a big nudge from my angel, Stuie. Thank you for being there to guide me and letting me hide with you when real life gets to be too much.
The problem with being a shadow is that when someone finds you and actually cares and shows an interest, you automatically look for the ulterior motive. You’re scared to reach out because you don’t want to put your heart out there just to have it torn to shreds... I have a loving and accepting family but my circle of close friends is small. I’m learning to trust more and express myself more... to find myself worthy, if that makes any sense.
Sitting here typing this with tears in my eyes and feeling foolish but it needs to be done. I’m hoping that getting used to writing down my thoughts will help me get past this mental/emotional block that I’ve been living with for too long... Wish me luck🖤
The problem with being a shadow is that when someone finds you and actually cares and shows an interest, you automatically look for the ulterior motive. You’re scared to reach out because you don’t want to put your heart out there just to have it torn to shreds... I have a loving and accepting family but my circle of close friends is small. I’m learning to trust more and express myself more... to find myself worthy, if that makes any sense.
Sitting here typing this with tears in my eyes and feeling foolish but it needs to be done. I’m hoping that getting used to writing down my thoughts will help me get past this mental/emotional block that I’ve been living with for too long... Wish me luck🖤
